Just a rant
Have you ever have feeling of numbness? Just give up this struggle of what we call life and go somewhere where there is no life at all? No expectations at all? No rules to live by? I don’t know what I am going through, but this slough of feelings is overwhelming. No, this is not the defeatist in me talking, I consider myself to be one of the surviours. I have withered many a storm, weather beaten, I guess but not really adept at surviving these storms.
Smart people before have been running away from the world I just described to establish their own sense of rule free expectation free world of their own, without much success. I have seen a good movie called ‘Ghar’. Farooq Sheik and Shabana Azmi acted in this movie. The protagonist is a rebel in college; he rebels against everything, which has been established. Shabana fells in love with this rebel and they get married. They have a son together and the Hero slowly starts conforming. He works for a book publisher who publishes sleazy books for profit. All for the sake of society, he has to buy a house and rise a kid! What an irony!
I have lost all hopes of running away and establishing my own world. Liberia, a West African nation was established by the former slaves of USA to be the country of the free. Now they have dictator. Fate has a very weird sense of humor, or if there is a God out there he must be very twisted.
What I am running from? Responsibilities? No. Expectations? Yes. I just want to do what I want to do, not what someone wants me to do. Being born into an orthodox family doesn’t help either. I am the first-born, so I am expected to carry my Family’s name on my shoulders so to speak. Is this good idea for my family? No. But strangely, I have this responsibility and the resulting expectations coming along with it.
I know I am not making any sense. I don’t have a clue what am I writing, and I don’t expect anyone to read this rant.
I know I have to face this; the best way to fight a bull is to catch by its horns. I have to confront this shit sometime or other. The shit has to hit the fan, rather than running away from it just prepare for it.
The society doesn’t like outliers. It wants everyone to fit the curve perfectly. I was an outlier once. Now, I try to fit the curve perfectly. Even then, society wants more perfection and lesser deviation. I guess I have no choice. If anyone is looking at me to start a rebellion, move on sir, I am not your kind of person. I am a dull, run of mill, clog in wheel kind of guy who was just born so that this wheel of life can turn on.
It’s a sobering experience when you realize that your existence doesn’t have a consequence other than propagation.